The High Cost of High Performance: A Burnout Story

Born with a good constitution, I never really had to worry about my body growing up. I would attend class, study, stay up late at night, play sports - even compete with guys - and still had enough energy to get up the next day and do it all over again. But sometimes we take too much of a good thing for granted. In my adult years, I became a work machine. My talents were glorified by the world around me. I was using my energy like it was a never ending supply... but eventually it did end.

I was living the dream as a yuppie: a steady job that I enjoyed, a good team, regular promotions and pay-raises, increased responsibility and visibility within the company. I was working hard and playing hard, spending my hard earned money on good meals, shopping, mini-vacations and entertainment. It was about ten years of a fast track career, full calendar and great experiences. At the same time I noticed I was getting tired, was sick more often and my brain was sometimes foggy. I worked very well under tight deadlines. It was addictive. I would enjoy the insane amount of work I could get done in a short period of time when needed. I became the go to person for important deadlines. I would enjoy the adrenaline rush and get congratulated on a job well done.

However the fog became more frequent. It was so gradual I didn't realize how much it snacked up on me. Eventually my concentration was so low, I would stare at my computer half absent. Anything that would keep my brain engaged was fine: writing emails, analyzing numbers, advising my staff... but reading material became increasingly difficult. Imagine me able to create a complex spreadsheets in minutes but unable to finish a magazine article without drowsing off. I started observing my team. They were able to consistently work throughout the day one step at a time. They seemed progressing slower through the steps but were definitively more consistent. I started wondering what was wrong with me. Why wasn't I able to work at a steady pace? Why was it all circuits fired up or no current? I became envious of the apparent simplicity their working rhythm had.

Honestly I had heard of people burning out. One of my MBA classmates had crumbled under constant pressure in a high profile Wall-Street job. He was extremely sharp but had problems focusing on the assignment in our team project, frequently changing the subject. We tried to kindly keep him on track. I felt a lot of empathy for him as I had heard that when the burnout happened he couldn't remember how to lace his shoes. My life as a twenty something seemed unfairly easy in comparison.

Hence I thought a burnout suddenly happens. It hits you one morning. I also thought this only happens to high ranked executives well into their career. I was working as a finance manager in a large corporation with a team of analysts to help complete the projects. I was not the high profile director of a multinational company. I thought it only happened to people who don't handle high stress situations really well. I often had been complimented on my ability to remain calm under pressure and finding effective solutions that people would rally around. I thought it only happened to workaholics. I enjoyed activities outside work, was involved with several organizations, had a steady boyfriend, regularly worked out, traveled and had a good circle of friends. I never thought it could be me.

And yes, I did burn out. Extremely high stress work situations combined with a round the clock schedule for a good ten years completely depleted me. Retrospectively I was like an ambitious teenager not understanding the consequences of my daily routines. Everything happened so gradually, I barely saw it coming until it was too late. It's like a disease that grows insidiously within you without you realizing it until you get the lab results. A well trained doctor immediately recognized my adrenals were drained. Hence the hyperactivity periods followed by severe fatigue. I was suffering from the severe long term physical and mental exhaustion that defines burnout.

I am not going to bore you with the general recommendations of eight-hour sleep per night, three meals a day, three hours of exercise per week, relaxation, etc... as everyone's body is different and I invite you to find the rhythm that works for you. However, I learned one important thing: the intention behind the activity is just as important as the activity. Otherwise it's easy to turn what should be a relaxing activity into work: for example, a hobby into a part-time job, a trip with friends into a stressful project or exercising into a physical exhaustion. We all do it unconsciously at times. But what are we creating? More busyness. More stress. The balance between purposeful work and uncharted rest allows us to increase our energy or at the bare minimum retain it. Because at the end, that's what it's all about, not having so much uncontrolled fires, that all our energy gets burned out!